Pattoons

More Howat

2009-11-01T16:33:00.000Z

That Howat boy

2009-11-01T16:17:00.002Z

Well,where do we start with this guy.The begining!He's older than Beelsibub's Belly and shyer than a very Shy Cat.We find ourselves working together in the Hottest place in all of Scotland.........Wishaw.I just want to post this to tell the world that he is a Good Guy.....thats it,just that.Oh and that he has an addiction to Snackbars....here's a couple of his Toons.Enjoy

My First Standup all those Years ago.

2009-10-04T15:49:00.000+01:00

My Edinburgh Fringe Festival Show

2009-10-04T15:44:00.002+01:00

If you never Came to the show,You missed a magic afternoon.I was Feckin Awsome.Next year i Will do a one man Show.

Zeno

2009-10-04T15:34:00.002+01:00

Glasgow has some amazing People in it.Last weekend My Friend Thomas and I went to The Merchant City Festival in Glasgow.Thomas Loves Free Running and there3 was a Display and Training session during this Festival.We met the guys ,which was a big Deal for Thomas.They were all great and Spoke to him and gave him Their Autographs.They were all amazing Especially a guy called Zeno. Heres a link to his Blog .Be Amazed. http://traceurzeno.blogspot.com/

Celtic win again

2008-08-23T18:31:00.004+01:00

Celtic are back on thier winning ways Today we beat a Poor team called Falkirk.This put us top of the League i'm told.The best thing that happened was that one of our strikers Van Naeuse of Donkey pish got injured .Then we put on some good strikers and started to win.

THE STRIP

2008-08-05T20:47:00.002+01:00

Ah so your Back well ...This is what happened while you were away.

THE STRIP

2008-08-05T20:47:00.001+01:00

Ah so your Back well ...This is what happened while you were away.

The New Cartoon.......THE CLAN

2008-08-05T20:41:00.003+01:00

Frank Adams

2008-06-27T08:39:00.000+01:00

Today a part of Bargeddie's History is coming to an end.In 1972 a young man Called Frank joined our local primary School.I think it was as a Janny but i don't know i was only 4.Over the years many things have changed while other's haven't like his tie,shirt and shoes and of course his hairstyle ( Sadly now nylon ).
Today Frank retires.He has served this wee village well over the years and has risen to the rank of Headmaster.We haven't always seen eye to eye most recently in the whole ppp school nonsense but there was a time we did i was in primary 7 (the huts).Somebody had Nicked some Daffodils from Mr Robert Tippens garden (sadly now gone but i was lucky enough to call him a friend in my adult life)not me but i and a few others were earmarked for the belt.I was not happy with this as A. i didn't do it and B.Frank i was told was the hardest hitter of the belt unlike Mr O'hare who was a kind man with hairy hands and could beat Frank at Table tennis any day of the week.
So back to the Huts.Mr Adams calls out our names one at a time .He lined us up in front of the blackboard and one at a time he takes us behind the blackboard to a small work area and one at a time the guys come out holding their hands and looking sore after you heard the swish of a belt and the slapping noise of the belt making contact.Then came my turn (shit)...He didn't hit us he hit the table and told us too pretend...that shows the measure of the man.
Good luck Frank enjoy Parkhead and please smile when your on the telly.

2008-06-25T18:43:00.000+01:00

MY ALTER EGO

2008-06-10T14:06:00.000+01:00

Many Years ago i had an alter ego.This man was the Fat Bast@rd,I had two accomplasis at this time,The Pieman ( Peter Parsons ) and Marraca boy ( Mick Brown ).Saddley these days are gone now and Like the superheros in the Invinciables we all find ourselves Defunked.Anyway here is a Cartoon from those hero days.

Peter Parsons

2008-06-07T19:54:00.000+01:00

The other day i met Peter Parsons.Yes of the three amigos fame.He hasent changed a bit but his hair has withdrawn from his head.The big man is one of my favourite people in this world.I rate him so much that if i had to choose the next person to win the lottery it would be him.Anyhow i found this old drawing of our alter egos,Fatman and Pieman.I hope you enjoy

Oban Bound

2008-05-12T21:36:00.000+01:00

This post is for my wee brother Mick,His wife Caroline and my Godson Christopher.They Have all for some ungodly reason went to Oban.Oban is the only place in Scotland i don't like,Its like Coatbridge on a wet day,when all the pound shops have shut.Mick and Caroline lap it up.Its Freezing,In the summer the temperature can get as high as minus 6...and that's inside.Have a Fantastic time ther folks and bring us some ice doon for oor drinks cos Bargeddie is Toasting in a Summer Heatwave "pass me the suntan cream Susie".

CARTOONIST NEEDS HELP

2008-03-28T14:34:00.001Z

What should i do ?I hate my real job as a Bakery Manager and i quickly need a new Start.At the moment im writing Comedy Scripts which one day with Gods help will be broadcast and of course i draw cartoons ,Caricatures etc....

The question is ! what should i do next....
here are some of my examples.

Wedding Caricaturist.
Ebay Caricature Sales.
Illustrator ...books etc.
Porn star.....lol only kiddin ,,,,have you seen the shape of me i'm like a Fat version of Martin O'Niels Uglier Brother.
Sell origional and prints of Pattoons.

Thats my Idea's what do you guys think...the floor is yours.

Jack Vettriano

2008-03-28T14:21:00.001Z

Here is my Latest Drawing.I love Jack Vettrianos stuff the guys just class but i cant be bothered painted even though i am awsome in the media too....So heres my twist on his dancing Butler picture....Its called the dancing Care worker...I love it oh and remember all drawings on this blog are the property of thier creator Me.So Hands off unless you want to pay me that is.

The Budget

2008-03-12T13:49:00.001Z

Well another Budget.Am i a wee bit Richer or a big bit Poorer.I dont know.I dont Drink ,I dont Smoke,I have a small car,I have a Small Family.I have a Sore foot...am i Better off ...Probably Not.I have always found Bugets to be like those Scam Mail thiings from some foreign Place.I never asked for this government to conntact me or get involved in my life.I did part with some money in the form osf Taxes ...Hoping i would get more out of it than i put in but in the end you just get Screwed....Greeds a Bummer.But i did'nt vote these guys in and they still Robbed me.Bewary next time.

Thats Carp

2008-03-11T18:10:00.001Z

Work.Lets ban the Stuff.

MOSES THE JUNKIE

2008-03-05T12:24:00.001Z

So......Some Scholar Chap has came up with the Idea that Moses might just have been a wee bit High with the auld Drugs when he was up Mount Siani Talking to God about the Commandments and the burning Hedge.
I dont go along with that.Had this been the case the first thing a Junkie would have done is try and flogg the Tablets Straight away.The sale would probably hhave went something like this.
"haw man day yae want tae buy some C's"...."Much"...."10"..."Thats a bit steep!"..."Naw...Ave Goat 10"...."Naw its Awright,Huve yae anyting else....any ting else ? DVD's an That ?...."I ave goatthe Da, Vinci Code".

ROBBIE BONHAM

2008-02-23T22:15:00.000Z

If you like to laugh you'll love this guy.He's got some of the best patter i have heard in years.Luckily for myself he's coming to Glasgow next month to the Stand Comedy Club.I'll be there he's doing one night in Glasgow and 3 in the Edinburgh Stand.He's Magic dont miss him.Amongst all the shite life throws at you it sometimes throws you the odd diamond.This Boys a Diamond either just stand and get hit by the shite or go to the Stand and enjoy the Diamond.

Foot Failure

2008-02-23T22:09:00.000Z

Ah so your Back well ...This is what happened while you were away.I hurt my foot.....I worked too many hours and it damaged my foot.So now im hobbling about.This has ment i am off work due to this bloody injury.Thats Bad but in my absence one of my colleagues has Left..for better things.So to the big man Good luck in all your activities.The world needs more guys like yourself big chap.

The Steel Lady

2008-02-23T22:07:00.001Z

This is for an Old Buddy.Take yer time Lady.

Universally Funny

2007-10-24T20:10:00.000+01:00

As You may or may not know.I have started doing Standup Comedy gigs.I have 2 under my belt so far.A full house at the C.C.A in Sauchihall street Glasgow and a 400 seat capacity House at the Motherwell Civic Center.Can i just say i was Fecking Magic.I loved every moment of it and so did the audiance.Here is a Caricature of some of the people involved.Each one has an Amazing talent and its a pleasure to know each and every one of them.

WHATS BEEN HAPPENING TO ME

2007-08-28T21:20:00.000+01:00

Ah so your Back well ...This is what happened while you were away. Well.I'm glad you asked.Its been a fun time I performed my first standup on the sixth of June,I was at the BBC FOR 4 NIGHTS and I'm just about to change my job....So as i write im unemployed but when i wake up i better remember and turn left at the first roundabout in the morning or I'll have"Fucked up "as we say here in Scotland.Oor Chelle has moved oot,Oor Dana is in Africa studying stripy Mice "I know ...what a swizz" and Oor Shannie is doing just Fine.So's the wife. Heres an unconnected Pattoon for you guys.Oh and my wee Film.Hope you like it..if the films not there its because its taking too long to upload.If it is there please ignore that last sentence.If the film is there did you enjoy it?If so why not comment and pander to my egotistical wee self

Im Still Alive

2007-08-10T17:14:00.000+01:00

How dee dooo dee....Flimflamers and Shifty types.Im still alive and hopefully i will get back into the swing of blogging again.Heres some pics since i have been away.

Mr Brown The Money Clown

2007-04-18T21:26:00.000+01:00

Ah so your Back well ...This is what happened while you were away.So Labour have messed up again.Inflation is at a 10 year high.Interest rates are expected to rise agin later in the month.Our pensions have been raided by about 20%.They plan to spend £30 BILLION on Nuclear weapons........and these diddies are trying to tell the Scottish people that the S.N.P Will cost every family a huge sum of money.Dont believe them and dont vote for them.

ChRIS Harkins not Hawkins

2007-04-17T21:48:00.000+01:00

Chris Harkins....not Hawkins,Hes that wee robotic guy who talks like a calculator.

Not Long Now

2007-04-12T21:19:00.000+01:00

Not long now till Blair and his Muppets are relieved of thier grip on us.Lets hope the country Remembers all the skull duggery that these guys have got up to and vote this Plamph out...Please.

Bastards and Dick Dasters In My WORK

2007-04-11T21:07:00.000+01:00

This fucked up place is gonny make me flip.I work with in the majority but not on the whole a bunch of backstabbing sweety wives,Who i would rather not have to spend the time of day with but have to to earn crust.Some of the guys are Magic.I would do anything for Others i would rather throw jobbies at on thier wedding day.
I think its just me.Am i one of the few Sain people who could'n't give a fuck whos sleeping with who,who said what about who...etc..etc...Well am I.I dont know but i will say.This year my Christmas card list(If i had one)would be very short this coming year.
These Bastards make me want to Flip.....................................
So I HAVE DECIDED TO GIVE A RUNNING COMMENTRY OF WHOS SAYING WHAT TO WHO.JUST TO LET YOU GUYS UNDERSTAND HOW FUCKED UP OUR DEPARTMENT IS .NAMES WILL NOT BECHANGED TO PROTECT THE FUDDS.

Fucked over by a Friend

2007-04-11T20:52:00.000+01:00

Last week i gave this Drawing (free )to a Friend,who happens to be my boss(Whatever that is?).This week he desides to grass me up for taking a dig at a fucked up little bawsack that works in my Department.This Redheaded fuckup thinks its ok to fuck me up to cover his own back.Well Hell slap it into you.I HOPE IT WAS WORTH IT.I also hope your next shite is a hedgehog and that your finger goes through the bogroll every time you use it.

What do you guys think ?Has this guy done the right thing by covering his back,Or is he a fucked up turncoat bastard who deserves to get some awful ailments? YOU DECIDE.
Oh by the way the Drawing is of his late father in law.I did it to give his wife some comfort in her time of need.I have one of my own Father and it brings me a little reminder of him.

LABOUR

2007-04-09T19:53:00.000+01:00

Is it just me?Or can you smell GAS!
Its nearly Time for the Scottish Parliament Election.So Remember all the "GOOD DEEDS CARRIED OUT IN YOUR NAME BY THE lABOUR pARTY".

1 .Bullying and abusing The Parents and Children Of our Local school.

2 .Mr Brown Stealing a share of your Pension.

3 .Starting a War killing 10s of Thousands of People on the strength of a Lie.

4 .Just for being more Tory and Nazi like than Adolf Thatcher.

PLEASE ,PLEASE,PLEASE DONT VOTE LABOUR

What a Fecking big Flag

2007-04-09T18:07:00.000+01:00

Hs anyone ever been to Aquaba in Jordon.I was there a few weeks ago.They have what i thought was the biggest flag in the world but i was wrong.This Fecking big Huge flag the size of a block of flats was the bloody winter flag...Apparently the summer flag is even bigger.You have to take my word for it though cos i cant upload the pictures of it cos im a bit thick.

Franks Doo

2007-04-09T17:57:00.000+01:00

I was lucky enough to recieve an invitation to the Social event of the Coatbridge callender.Yes it was Frank Kelly's 65th Birthday party ,held in the exclusive St Patricks,Chapel Hall,Coatbridge.It was a rare night,Singers galore and good fun had by all.Heres my Gift to our Frank....Lets have many more.

Pattoon below

2007-04-09T17:55:00.000+01:00

Fat Man Faints

2007-04-09T17:48:00.000+01:00

I fainted in work last month....What a laugh.It turns out Fat though i am i dont eat enough Mars Bars....My blood sugar level dropped below 4 and i hit the floor.Luckily these two guys in green came to save the day and wisk me away to hospital for a wee checkup.Incidentaly this is where some mad women did a forty year old virgin job on my Hairy chest so she could hook me up to that beepy machine.So as a thankyou i gave the guys a Charicature of themselves.Heres the wee thing here....So if you are nice to me i might give you a free Charicature....If your nasty i moght not..

Easter was Shit

2007-04-09T17:44:00.000+01:00

Easter was shit.......I only got one egg and had to work....So Easter was Shit but Christmas was fine.Heres a couple of old girls im thinking of doing a cartoon script aboot ....What do u guys thunk Hmmmmmmmmmm...

MY MATE REBECCA

2007-01-15T18:58:00.000Z

There is a special kid in the sunny glasgow town of Blairdardie.She is funny,lovely,magic and my wee mate.She is one of the best pranksters i have seen in my long time on this planet.Shes hid in a bin to scare old folk,Shes been party to flicking peanuts into the cleavage's of a couple of floosis that came to see her brother and she nearly poisioned a drunk women at a candle party by giving her straight cordial instead of white wine,someone convinced her that she may have accidentaly killed her.....for that i apologise.All i wanted to say is she is a Gem.
Patt

Im still here,Are you still reading Pattoons?

2006-11-20T21:50:00.000Z

Sorry for not posting lately.I hope to pick up the pace of my Blog again and fill your worlds with joy.

REAL RADIOS FOOTBALL PHONE IN

2006-11-04T20:08:00.000Z

Ifound this picture of Alan Rough and Ewan Cameron in a compromising position..........Who says young men cant have fun together without being gay....hmmmm who says that,I dont know.

TONY BLAIR

2006-11-04T20:04:00.000Z

Squaters rights for Tony Blair cos the mass murdering muppet is due for the boot but like most polititions he just wont fuck off when you want him too.

HALLOWEEN

2006-11-04T20:01:00.000Z

And the joke goes........

2006-10-10T16:24:00.000+01:00

A rangers fan walking his 3 legged dog finds a magic lamp after polishing it clean.A genie pops out the genie goes through the old you can have 1 wish routine.......The Rangers fan says...after thinking for a few minuets..." I would like my dog to win the Grand National by 4 lengths and to be crowned Miss world and shit gold bars ,every day.".......

The genie looks at the dog and after thinking he says
"look you nonse im a fucking genie not God,You stoater.....try again you plank."He then slaps the fool.

The Rangers fan thinks on...."Ah...i know i would like Rangers to win the Champions League."

The Genie thinks on for a moment ....and says.

" What was the wish about the Dog again".

SORRY I MISSED THE BUS

2006-10-10T16:01:00.000+01:00

I DO APOLOGISE FOR NOT POSTING LATELY ,I MISSED THE BUS.

NOT REALLY I,VE JUST BEEN VERY BUSY.....SLEEPING MOSTLY. AS I SAY I DO APOLOGISE AND NORMAL BLOGGING WILL BE RESUMED AS OF NOW.

so as a treat heres an old favorite my gift to stewart philps and my first attempt at animation.........Enjoy...Oh and remember to visit
For a solution to your problems ...well maybe not but you should have a wee laugh if nothing else.

MEET MR DOOLEY

2006-09-12T15:22:00.000+01:00

the world,mr dooley.mr dooley the world.

PATTAGONY THE PROBLEM SOLVER

2006-08-28T18:53:00.000+01:00

VISIT http://pattagony.blogspot.com
Here you will find the elixsor to all you ills.
Here you will find the answer to the problem you did'nt know you had.
Here you will find the inept dribblings of a once handsome man,now ravaged by time and fate.
Here you will find the knower of the answer of the problem that torrments your every waking moment.
Here you will find a prophet of guidance.
Here you will find the dirty secrets of your closest friends.
Here you will find a 20pence piece....maybe...most likely not.
Here you will find a twisted wreck of a man,spilling his crazed mind out on the floor for all to see.
Here you will find a little chuckle.

If not ...........Piss off,Gone get,On yer toes ya mank....oh and make sure the door disney hit you on the arse on the wiy oot......Ya footer.

Only kidding...Just leave a comment and we will find a solution.Not necessarilly the one for your problem but you might have a wee laugh.

IAN JENNINGS

2006-08-24T13:55:00.000+01:00

I thought your boy would like this Ian.

Even Einstien canny figure it out

2006-08-23T09:52:00.000+01:00

.
Have you tried to post a letter these days with the new pricing system.Whit a nightmare.so they are priced by size of envelope,with of envelope,colour of envelope,destination,bra size of person recieving it.Height of postman required to deliver it.The amount of dogs in the street its to be delivered to and of course the shoe size of your granny.What a nightmare.I guess everyone will be the same as me.Just pop a wee first class stamp on everything and pop it in the post and hope for the best.If you have any problems with this formula go to http://pattagony.blogspot.com
Where im sure this and all your other problems will be solved by your free agony aunt service to theBloggers of the world.

Glasgows anti war coalition

2006-08-09T17:31:00.000+01:00

I have allowed the use of this Cartoon for the fight against the Isreali war.Hopefully they will use it to highlight Scotlands opposition to the ongoing conflict.

2006-08-08T12:44:00.000+01:00

THOSE DIRTY WARMONGERING BASTARDS

2006-08-08T12:38:00.000+01:00

So America has been using our airport at Preswick to refuel thier planes full of bombs that are being used to kill Civillians and the odd terrorist in Lebanon and the gazza strip.Fuck that says Scotland and break into thier plane looking for bombs.they even sat in the cockpit.I on the other hand would have shat in the cockpit (that would slow the fuckers down a bit).So to make the place more secure i hear they have put up the odd warning sign and repaired the fence.This did'nt work as they got in again...Fantastic.Mr Bush keep the fuck out iof our free world you evil little man.

2006-08-08T12:27:00.000+01:00

GRANNY

2006-08-08T12:21:00.000+01:00

Grannies eyesight had gotten so bad this was the third time this week she had taken her ned grandson out for walkies instead of the dog.He did,nt mind the walk but he hated when Granny insisted hes did a pooh outside which she would lift up in a wee plastic bag.It was worse if he shat in someones garden bacause she would rub his wee Ned nose in it and make him sleep in the Garden.

SACRE BLUE

2006-08-08T12:00:00.000+01:00

MORE FUN FROM THE FAT ONE

2006-08-08T11:51:00.000+01:00

The French Revolution has begun at Castle Ibrox and as far as we can see its is Pish.VEV LA POOR QUALITY TEAM.

TOONS OF MINE FOR YOUR PLEASURE...ENJOY

2006-08-08T11:39:00.000+01:00

LEX finally gets a Pattoon

2006-08-03T14:20:00.000+01:00

Enjoy Lex

THE REAL ROLO

2006-07-26T13:12:00.000+01:00

KING OF ARGENTINA AND ALL ITS LANDS....If you wpould like a Pattoon of you or a friend just ask.and if i can find the time i will oblige you with one.

ROLO

2006-07-24T21:56:00.000+01:00

This is Rolo from Argentina.Hes my first Pattoon of the year.Lets hope he enjoys it.

TODAYS JOKE

2006-07-21T11:48:00.000+01:00

"Haw Whits that Celic fan dain in this Huns pub.Lets annoy the cunt intae a fight"

Rangers fan1 "Haw...Celticman your Gordon Strachan a pigfucker!"
Celtic man"is that the case,oh well to each his own!"

Rangers fan2 "Not only is Gordon Strachan a pigfucker but hes a batty boy too.!"

Celtic man"is that the case,oh well to each his own!"

Rangers man3 says "Not only is Gordon Strachan a pig fucking,and a batty boy but hes a Rangers fan too!"

Celticman says :"I yer pals were just saying that".

here the link again

2006-07-20T15:25:00.000+01:00

My new agony aunt Service blog.

2006-07-20T15:23:00.000+01:00

http://pattagony.blogspot.com/ Visit this site and leave your problems and im sure an unsatisfactory solution can be found to your problems in no time.

Mr PRESCOTT COMPETITION

2006-07-11T13:53:00.000+01:00

THIS WEEKS CAPTION COMPETITION .WHATS JOHHNY SAYING?

Z Z loses his TOP

2006-07-09T22:09:00.000+01:00

Well done Italy.Zidane ,what in the gods name is the matter with you old man.Have you lost your head?

2006-07-08T09:22:00.000+01:00

steadfast

2006-07-08T09:18:00.000+01:00

the soldier again style 2

2006-07-08T09:17:00.000+01:00

the steadfast tin soldier

2006-07-08T09:11:00.000+01:00

more toons

2006-07-08T09:06:00.000+01:00

A selection of my illustrations.

2006-07-08T08:59:00.000+01:00

Pattoons - a history lesson

2006-07-05T18:57:00.000+01:00

Pattoons was born in the August of last year.Its main purpose was to keep in contact with my mate Sylvia,Who had decided to travel the world and stress out her poor mum,Margret.Sylvias site is have a wee look at it and enjoy her adventures past.Shes back now and loving and living the Bargeddie life.So all you many thousand people who have logged on to pattoons from friends,strangers who would become friends and council folk who would spy on folk,who did'nt become friends.To amazing people like the Bargeddie Parents Action Group,The Doc and his Greek Goddess,or Lex,The Pragmatition and so many more,including old friends Like Weezy and man,Greggy and of course oor Stewarty (The famous weekend panda).All of you guys owe a degree of thanks to our Sylvia.Who, had she not decided to travel the world and make her own Blog,Then there would have been no need for pattoons and we would all have missed our fun time together.So thanks Lady.(Heres a picture of the lady in Question,It was taken at the end of her pretty unsucessful skydiving lesson,A parachute would have been nice,but hay ho what a fantastic shot to get,just before impact.....wow.

Bobs first drawing

2006-07-04T09:12:00.000+01:00

"Bob ,The World"

2006-07-03T12:12:00.000+01:00

"The world ,Bob".This is the new member of the family.Bob or Bobby .hes a pure breed angolian fighting dog.............well not really hes a terrier cross and hes a wee cutie.

OOR COONCIL

2006-06-30T11:28:00.000+01:00

This Weeks Caption Competition

2006-06-27T12:41:00.000+01:00

YOUR ARE REQUESTED TO SUBMIT A CAPTION FOR THE ABOVE PATTOON.
Mines is "Tony ,I konw we arn't that popular now but do you really think,us dressing as cowboys will help us?" Tony "Well it worked for them bumboys in Brokeback Mountain"....Gordon !"i dont have to get bummed!Do i!" Tony just smiles.

One Step Away

2006-06-25T19:26:00.000+01:00

Blair and his buddies are taking us just one more step nearer a nuclear confrontation.Not only are we telling the Mental Iranians not to Enrich Uranium because they might make a bomb,We are being told they are going to spend £25,000,000,000. Of future tax money to buy more of the Death bringers/world enders ourselves.These guys need to take a serious look at themselves before we start condeming other countries.Nuclear weapons are only a detterant for the time it takes the other countries to fire thiers.There are no winners in this battle.No real survivors,only people not killed quickly but killed just the same.Not in my name mr Blair.Not in my name.

More toons

2006-06-23T20:16:00.000+01:00

Cartoons

2006-06-23T20:10:00.000+01:00

HES HERE

2006-06-22T08:03:00.000+01:00

Finally baby PATRICK (Ciaran Robert)Kelly hae arrived.I know the my wee baby sister has decided to call wee Pat something else and i was to slow to Register him as Patrick but to me hes oor Pat.Hes perfect.So a big up to the Kelly clan for giving us the joy of a new wee guy.Well done oor Mary and oor Stevie.I only have one concern,On meeting wee Pat for the first time he decided to fill his nappy when i was holding him and i took 20 mins to free me from his recently filled pampers.But i will forgive him ,I have that effect on a lot of people.......So congrats new Parents.

TURNS OUT YOU DONT KNOW SOME PEOPLE AT ALL

2006-06-20T15:17:00.000+01:00

Or the torture of a friend.Please if you are standing,sit down.It turns out that a certain individual and "FRIEND", went to my favorite food place,In the full knowledge that i was sitting in the house just contemplating my navel or something like that.sheeeeshk........They went to Nandos.Did they bring me a carry out of my favorite veggie burger...........NO THEY DID NOT.So you know who you are !If i were you i would drive back to Nandos and get me the said burger and maybe a wee pudding and we will say no more about it....capissssh.Good.

My new Tony Blair Style

2006-06-20T09:33:00.000+01:00

I thought i had made him to comic book super hero style....so i rounded him off.Have you ever noticed that he has his tongue poking oot when hes waiting for an answer and he shuts his right eye.its wierd.

Saddam To Hang

2006-06-19T22:32:00.000+01:00

Its a bit of a pity that his Hanging may be quite soon as hes lined up some film work with the Bumfights guys,Hes even scheduled the day at the Tattoo parlour for the Bumfights lgo on his forehead.Seriously though if we cndone this monsters death,That makes us as bad as him.Put him in jail forever thats what i say.

Boris

2006-06-19T22:27:00.000+01:00

Keep your pants on Boris.So far he has 1 wife ,4 kids and apparently 2 other chicks on the go.I think its time for some bromide big chap.Notice his eyes sometimes hes looking forward and other times down with a little bit of shame.What a fantastic trick of artistry,even if i say so myself.

Real Radio Mention

2006-06-17T15:26:00.000+01:00

Robin Galloway gave me a mention on his fantastic breakfast show because i sent him the pattoons of his windup of the England team.So i thought id take the mince out of Roughy and Ewan after they spent the night in the same bed before the Hearts /Hibs game.Here it is i Hope you enjoy it.Note the Believe bars,That Roughy said he has stopped eating,The choice of movie the young lovers had to watch,The Pop poster of George Michael (apparently a big favorite of the boys) and of course the Scotch Pie to keep Roughies strength up (Hes not getting any younger".Who are we to make snide comments about,what is just an act of love between two consenting adults.

THE RED CROSS PENIS SIZE SURVEY

2006-06-15T08:08:00.000+01:00

To try and survey the size of the british populations Penis.The red cross have asked for anyone with a smaller than 3 inch Penis to fly a small white flag whit a red cross on it.Alternativly if yours is over 8 inches either talk in a Bargeddie accent or fly a blue flag with white stripes coming diagonally from its corners crossing in the middle.Your assistance in this matter is much appreciated.

WONT BE LONG NOW

2006-06-15T07:50:00.000+01:00

All the hype for the England team continues even though they were rank in thier first game.The english public have all got thier wee flags oot,thier sewing buttons on thier claes as we speak and fishing for jelly and eels in all the canals in England.The comentators are getting all excited,They cannae shut up aboot Metatarsals,1966, will rooney play,wont he play.But no one is mentioning that in 1966 one of thier goals was'n't a goal.They keep banging on about 'THE HAND OF GOD GOAL',Which i might add was magic,as a big world cup cheat thier the fucking cheats.No wait thiers worse.whos this big streak of pish who does that snidy Robotic dance when he scores against a pish team.Hes a legbreak waiting to happen.Anyway...mon the Trinidad and Tobago.and before you all start "I'm part Tobago",so there.

SCOTTISH ENGLAND FANS I DONT GET IT

2006-06-15T07:12:00.000+01:00

England game today.Lets all get behind them.....and shove their team bus off a cliff.Only kidding....they buses cost a bomb.Its time to sort out some of the scottish guys up here.Yesterday i saw 3 fat guys with England tops on.Fair enough if they are English but they are not,They are from Bellshill,oh and by the way there is nothing wrong with being fat.I'm saving up my fat incase there is a famine.Then the fat people will rule the world...welll for a bit anyway.So getting back to these Twats.I'd rather drink petrol and fish guts than wear another countrys football top.The same goes the other way round an English man in Scotland wearing a Scotland top should be Publically flogged with a copy of the peoples friend untill the flogger is quite bored with the flogging.So i dont get it.I did notice that the guy with them had a Rangers top on so i guess it could be the We love the Queen mob.Well if it takes an 80 year old woman to become the lady of your dreams then i think you have enough problems without me throwing in my twopenith.Though i do suggest you keep a bucket of industrial strength lubricant just incase you every meet your object of desire guys.Seriously get a grip.You might just have well bought a plain white t-shirt from tescos for £2 and wrote the words "I AM A WANK" ON THE FRONT AND THE BACK",Just to make no one is confused over the issue.

A COLONY OF BUSH MONKIES

2006-06-12T13:50:00.000+01:00

THE WARLORDS

2006-06-12T09:32:00.000+01:00

THE END OF MY ILLUSTRATION CLASS

2006-06-10T17:27:00.000+01:00

A nd of course the end of the torture of 'the poor wee soldier'.I enjoyed my 10 weeks.All the people involved were not only a great bunch but very talented.Abbey's granny will live with me forever( Not literally,but it was amazing).It was a pleasure to spend time with this group.Catherine ,Thanks for the lessons in gouash and the quink.Even though i think you made them both up.I enjoyed using your 10p asda own brand bleach.I'll definatlly miss the seagull and the guglings,I hope they will be fine.So from the posh lady to the large boy,Thanks for your time and i wish you all the very best of luck in carving out careers,You are all talented enough.On another point,would any of the ladies attending tonights doo please note my Susie will be wearing a white.We dont want anymore clashes....I thankyou.

I LOVE REAL RADIO WINDUPS

2006-06-09T22:23:00.000+01:00

ROBIN GALLOWAY TOOK THE PISS OUT OFF THE ENGLAND CAMP BY CALLING THEM AND TELLING THEN HE HAD A METATARSAL TO DELIVER TO THEM.ONE OFFICIAL SAID HE WOULD KEEP IT COLD IN HIS HOTEL ROOM MINI BAR....FANTASTIC.

BARGEDDIE SAYS'

2006-06-08T15:24:00.000+01:00

On yer bike Tony Blair and take your cronnies with you.

I THOUGHT I'D MISSED IT

2006-06-06T16:40:00.000+01:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY OLD MATE.WHEN IT FINALLY COMES.
BUT CAN YOU GUESS WHO THE OLDIE IS?
ADMITTEDLY ITS A HARD ONE...NOT...OH AND WELCOME BACK LADIES .

Rats

2006-06-06T16:18:00.000+01:00

Sometimes in life we need to Face a Rat,Lets hope if We ever come across one,we are not in a paper boat!

Hello Again

2006-06-06T15:32:00.000+01:00

After repeated requests from the public .Pattoons is back in Business.Enjoy the warmth it brings.Oh and save the A&E.